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Are you people pleasing your way to burnout?

I think I have known for a some time that I am a people pleaser, but it never struck me as something I should be worried about. I was proactive, a team player, put other people's needs before my own - what's wrong with that? However, I have come to understand that too much people pleasing can put you at significant risk of burnout.


People Pleasing and Burnout


Continually putting other people’s needs ahead of your own results in your own needs continuously being unmet and this can contribute to burnout in multiple ways.


Constantly trying to please others can quickly result in taking on too much, which is a significant burnout risk behavior. Moreover, if you dedicate all your time to satisfying others, you can become unaccustomed to articulating your own needs and desires, leaving you disconnected from what those needs and desires truly are. This disconnection greatly increases your risk of burnout, as it's easy to lose direction and end up engaging in activities that don't align with your core values, another significant cause of burnout.


How do I know if I am a People Pleaser?


If you have a people pleasing habit, you might find you are good at sensing others' emotions and predicting their needs. You will also feel strongly compelled to assist or volunteer for tasks. While this may seem beneficial at first glance, the problem arises when you repeatedly please others at your own expense, leading you to downplay or completely disregard your own needs.


The determining factor is the motivation behind your action. If you say yes because you find the task enjoyable or genuinely want to help then there's no cause for concern. On the other hand, if you say yes out of fear that someone might think poorly of you for saying no, that's people-pleasing. If you identify with any of the situations below you may have people pleasing tendencies.


  • You say yes to a new task at work even when you know you are already overloaded, just to make sure your boss doesn't think you are lazy.

  • You take on your team member's work to avoid conflict or being seen as bossy/unhelpful

  • You disregard your own feelings to smooth things over, make things easier for others or to avoid "making a fuss".

  • You take on other people’s problems as your own and try to fix them – even when no one actually asked you to help.


Why Do We People Please?


Based on research, people pleasing is a pattern we learn in childhood so many of us are well practiced, making it a hard habit to break. At some point in the past you were rewarded for self sacrificing behaviour or you made the link between pleasing others and being a "good person". In adulthood this manifests as placing too much emphasis on what other people think and insufficient emphasis on working out what you think.


Non people pleasers still care what other people think, humans are a tribal species so wanting to be liked and included is an in built survival mechanism, its just that its not their sole motivation. People who believe strongly in themselves tend to be driven by their core values, and as a result what other people think or say matters less. If you want to know more about the importance of understanding your core values read my blog here.


Just Say NO!


Recognising you may have people pleasing tendencies is a critical step in decreasing your risk of burnout. Pay attention to when and why you say yes and make sure these decisions are aligned with your core values and your personal boundaries.


Saying no may feel scary at first but I can tell you that it gets easier. Start small and before long you will be saying "no, thank you" confidently and without guilt. Having the confidence to know you are enough, even when you say no, is a key part of the Anti-Burnout Mindset.







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