People Pleasing and Burnout: How to Stop Saying Yes and Protect Your Wellbeing

Mairi Joyce
Oct 4
6 min read

I’ve known for a long time that I’m a people pleaser, though it never struck me as a bad thing. After all, what’s wrong with putting others first?

I thought being proactive, reliable, and accommodating made me a “team player” with a “can-do attitude.” But when I started researching burnout, I realised just how closely my people pleasing habit and burnout are connected.

What once seemed like a positive quality - anticipating others’ needs and striving to keep everyone happy - can, over time, become a fast track to exhaustion and resentment.

Why People Pleasing Hits Women Hardest

For many women, people pleasing feels almost second nature. From an early age, we’re taught to be caring, accommodating, and polite, traits that are praised at home and rewarded at work.

But over time, these same traits can leave us emotionally depleted and at higher risk of burnout, especially for women balancing careers, families, and caregiving responsibilities.

In professional environments, women are often expected to be helpful, flexible, and approachable. While these are valuable qualities, they can create unspoken pressure to take on more than is healthy.

The Link Between People Pleasing and Burnout

The problem is that continually putting other people’s needs ahead of your own means your needs rarely get met. Over time, this imbalance drains your energy, heightens stress, and erodes your sense of self.

When you’re a people pleaser, you may:

Say yes to new tasks even when you’re already overwhelmed, just to avoid being seen as lazy or unhelpful.
Saying yes to extra responsibilities because you don’t want to be seen as “not coping” or “not committed”, especially after returning from maternity leave.
Take on someone else’s work to prevent conflict.
Taking on emotional labour at work, for example smoothing tensions, mentoring colleagues, or supporting others, even when it’s outside your role.
Disregard your feelings to “keep the peace.”
Solve other people’s problems, even when no one asked you to.

Do any of these sound familiar? These might seem like small sacrifices, but they accumulate. Over time, you lose touch with your own boundaries and values, which greatly increases your risk of burnout.

Is People Pleasing a Sign of Burnout?

People pleasing is not necessarily a sign of burnout, but the two are often intertwined.

When you say yes to everything, your diary fills with commitments that drain rather than energise you. You’re constantly performing for approval instead of acting from genuine motivation.

This mismatch between what you do and what you actually value creates chronic stress, one of the key precursors to burnout.

Psychologists refer to this as “values misalignment burnout”, which is when your daily actions don’t match your inner priorities. People pleasers are especially vulnerable because they’ve often spent years ignoring their own needs.

How do I know if I am a People Pleaser?

If you find yourself constantly anticipating others’ emotions and jumping in to help, even when it’s inconvenient or harmful to you, you might be stuck in a people-pleasing cycle.

The trick is to ask yourself: Am I helping because I want to, or because I feel I have to?

When your motivation comes from guilt, obligation, or fear of disapproval, that’s people pleasing, not healthy kindness.

Common signs include:

Difficulty saying no
Feeling guilty when you prioritise yourself
Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions
Worrying excessively about what others think of you
Overcommitting to avoid disappointing anyone

Why Do So Many Women Become People Pleasers?

Research suggests that people pleasing is often a learned behaviour that begins in childhood. Many of us grew up being rewarded for being obedient, polite, or helpful, and we internalised the message that love or acceptance was conditional on pleasing others.

As adults, we may continue to equate self-sacrifice with being a “good person”. We prioritise harmony over honesty and approval over authenticity.

Women, in particular, are socialised to be caregivers and nurturers, which can lead to taking on emotional labour both at home and in the workplace, managing relationships, smoothing tensions, and supporting others even when we’re depleted ourselves.

It’s important to note that not all helping is people pleasing. Humans are social creatures, we naturally want to be liked and valued. The difference lies in motivation:

Healthy helping comes from compassion and choice.
People pleasing comes from fear and obligation.

Those with a strong sense of self and clear values tend to make decisions based on alignment rather than anxiety. If you want to know more about the importance of understanding your core values read my blog here.

The Hidden Costs of People Pleasing

People pleasing might seem selfless, but it often hides deeper emotional patterns. It can stem from low self-esteem or a fear of rejection.

Ironically, it can also be a subtle form of control - we say yes to influence how others perceive us (“If I’m helpful, they’ll like me”). But when others don’t respond as expected, we feel hurt or resentful.

This emotional cycle fuels stress and self-doubt, which are two key drivers of burnout.

Recognising this doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It’s about developing awareness so you can act from intention, not fear.

How to Break the People Pleasing Cycle

Recognising your people-pleasing tendencies is a major step towards burnout prevention. Once you see the pattern, you can begin to make conscious changes.

1. Notice Your Triggers

Pay attention to moments when you feel pressured to say yes. Is your decision driven by genuine desire, or fear of what others might think?

2. Start Small

Practise setting boundaries in low risk situations. For example, declining a meeting you don’t need to attend, or choosing rest over a social event when you’re exhausted.

3. Align with Your Values

Before saying yes, pause and ask Does this align with my values and energy right now?

If the answer is no, it’s okay to decline, respectfully but firmly.

4. Reframe “No” as Self-Respect

Saying no isn’t selfish; it’s a necessary act of self-care. Remember humans are finite, there will always be too much to do. Saying no protects your mental energy and allows you to focus on what matters most to you.

5. Build Confidence Gradually

The more you practise saying no, the easier it becomes. Eventually, you’ll realise you don’t owe anyone an explanation. A simple “No, thank you” is enough.

Can I be a Caring Person and Still Say No?

Absolutely, and for working women in particular, learning to say no is one of the most powerful acts of self-care and self-respect.

In professional environments, women are often praised for being team players, helpful, and approachable. While these are valuable traits, they can also create unspoken pressure to take on extra work, volunteer for every project, or smooth over difficult situations, often at the expense of your own wellbeing.

Setting boundaries doesn’t make you uncaring or unprofessional, it allows you to care more sustainably. When you protect your time and energy, you have more capacity to deliver your best work and show up fully for your colleagues, clients, and loved ones.

If you need to give yourself permission to address your people-pleasing habit, remember this: people pleasing doesn’t come from caring too much, it often comes from low self-esteem or fear of disapproval. In some cases, it can even become a subtle form of manipulation, as the motivation is to be liked or validated rather than to genuinely help.

By saying “no” when you need to, you model healthy boundaries and show other women in your workplace that it’s possible to succeed without burning out.

The Anti-Burnout Mindset

Learning to say no without guilt is a cornerstone of the Anti-Burnout Mindset. It’s about recognising that your worth isn’t defined by how much you do for others, it’s defined by how authentically you live.

Setting boundaries isn’t just about self-care, it’s an act of leadership. When women model healthy limits, they help reshape workplace culture. You give others permission to do the same, creating environments where wellbeing is valued as much as performance.

When you start honouring your own needs, you’ll find balance, clarity, and confidence. You’ll no longer say yes from fear, but from choice. Because the truth is you are enough even when you say no.

Ready to read more about protecting yourself from burnout? Try my post on the Ultimate Anti-Burnout Plan for Working Women and sign up to my newsletter for ongoing support.

FAQ About People Pleasing and Burnout

1. Is people pleasing the same as being kind?

No. Kindness is a genuine desire to help others, while people pleasing comes from fear of rejection or guilt. True kindness includes being kind to yourself too.

2. Can people pleasing cause burnout?

Yes. Constantly prioritising others drains your emotional and physical energy, leaving little time for rest or self-care, key ingredients for burnout prevention.

3. How do I stop people pleasing at work?

Start by setting small boundaries: clarify your workload, delegate tasks when appropriate, and practise saying no to non-essential commitments.

4. Can I be a caring person and still say no?

Yes, in fact, setting boundaries allows you to care more sustainably. When you respect your limits, you have more energy and time to give to the people and things you care most about.

Mairi Joyce

4 October 2025